Eternal loss, I love
Time flies. My child went for five years. I finally dared to pick up my pen and write the past. Many friends don't let me write. I am afraid that I tear open my bloody scars, afraid of me hurt, but friends, I know that you love me. But where do you know. Writing out to me is the best relief. I have been my wish. Because, I didn't miss my child in five years. No matter how I work hard, I will forget myself. But always in an inadvertent moment, an inadvertent touch. Let me tears. I will never forget the happiness and pain that is brought to me. So, I have to write, for me, for my smell, my only child. I will forever. Let me give this article to my son in heaven. Stink, you have to know. Mom will always love you! No matter where you are. I will always love your mother. When I am in love, I snuggle in my current love, sitting on the wall of a vegetable garden. Under gentle moonlight, I told him my wish: I want to give him a child, I want to raise a large group of chicken, there is a big vegetable garden. Under a very lush apple tree, a big table, after I do a good job, look at my child to eat, I have a friend who is kind to my mother. . . . . . After marriage, I often took a walk while walking. On the side of my child, I walked in front of us, a shake, a swing, and I gathed his little butt after him. . . . . . . . I like boy, I have always thought that the boy is relatively good. I like naughty taught little boy. I know that I am a little little woman. And proud of this. So I have my son. There is a child who really belongs to yourself. I gave my son a name called - odor. There is a child's day is happiness, and each child brought happiness to parents is invaluable, all eternal and real. I am still thinking about the time with stinking, I can still feel the gentleness of the heart. It is a gentleness that allows melting of steel. I still remember that when I was born, my stink was so petite and ugly. Red skin wrinkles. Like a little old lady. I don't even dare to touch him, I don't dare to hold him. He kept crying. Hungry, cry, thirst, cry, cry, the urine is crying, I wake up for a long time, all of his expression is only these. So start learning how to be a qualified mother. I am very much bigger than my mother. It seems that I have a responsibility. Because this little life can only be survived by me, he will only feel safe in my arms, and will sleep quietly, will stop crying. Every time I pick him up, he seems to know, the doctor tells me that he is familiar with ***. When my hand gently compooted his soft body, he would twisted his little face to me, and closed his eyes with his little mouth and looked around, and gently sent ah, the sound, just like A bird who is waiting to be fed. Whenever he uses force to break up me, I will feel my life quietly flow to his body. Often, he will rest for a while, then satisfy the head, fall asleep. Sometimes I am afraid that he is not full. Also gently pull his ears and wake up him then eat. When he is really full, he will have a smoky smoke, and sleep with a smile. I am happy to look at my child, and I really thank God to give me this so beautiful elf. As children grow up every day. I found that I can just be gentle and quiet. It can be such a kind and kind. Can be brave and sincere. My heart is full of love, let me smile every person. Yes, I keep discovering new myself. I haven't stopped before marriage, but I haven't been written after I have a child. I found that the child is my best work. Mother makes me feel proud and satisfied.
Now I am still stubborn, a woman will be very incomplete if it is not married, and if you don't make your mother, you will never become a real woman. Children will make your heart feel soft! His angelic laughter can wash all the filth and troubles of the world. His pure eyes will make your soul like Tibetan sky-like air spirit and tranquility. When you hold him, when his little body trusts yourself. You will find that in this world you are so needed and indispensable. When he called you *** with a pure voice, you will find that you are really the happiest people in the world! My smell has a soft body and beautiful eyes, white skin, there is a red birthmark after his head, like his father. There is a small black hemorrhoid on the right wrist, like me. Because I like to draw a penalty, so I have left an ancient boy, a peach shape in front, behind a long and fine little scorpion, the remaining hair is shaved. The odor is not crised since the birth, I used the red ribbon, because his head is unique, the barber shop can cut it. So, every time I am a little pruning with a small scissors when he is sleeping. My stink is unique. At least in my mother's eyes. Slowly, he began to learn to walk. Start him to study in 'pioneers'. He learned very quickly. , Often seeing his figure hits at home. He is very curious, he sees yourself in the mirror, you will smile, then take a look, see the white smoke from the humidifier, will also reach. When I gave him a meal, he would park the car at the door of the kitchen, and the curious look. He relies very much, no matter where I am, he follows. Even I am taking a shower and go to the bathroom, he will be a heavy knocking door, and when I confirm that I am inside, wait for me to go out. He is very biased to me, even if he pulled it, he must also wipe it. In his small heart, it is an eccentricity of ***. He couldn't be rushing in the 'Xueju', but he didn't leave the car. He often grabbed the sheets in one hand in one hand, and used his eyes to express his fear. I encourage him to him: "stinky Stink! Come, go to my mother. Not afraid, my mother is! "And my child will trust the steps, and the falling strikes to me, and I will definitely hold him in his arms. . . . . . . When a mother is so good! I have all the joy and pride you can have. I still remember it now, that is the spring of nine or six, and the breeze of May, the breeze blew my green short windbreaker. The bright sunshine is warm and shines, everything is warm, I absorb the fragrant air, take a light pace to pick my child. It's very sudden, it's a lot of laughter, I have to suffocate the happiness of my heart, it is a warm dark stream, gently spread all over my body. Direct to my fingers. Even, every inch of the skin on my body felt the kind of happiness. At that moment, I asked me myself: What else is not satisfied? I have a husband and lovely son who loves my. How happy I am. I have to remember the feeling of this moment. I have to retain this happiness. As a result, I really remember. (Until now) and I really have a deep understanding of what is happy! That is a truly, solid happiness. That year, I was twenty-five years old, my son has just arrived at one year. I am happy, I don't have to feel the disaster behind my happiness. It is always in the moment you don't care. And I experience happiness from me is only three months.
In his night and three months, he suddenly cried, I have always looked at him, but he still kept crying until he cried, he slept, the next day, he opened When you open your eyes, his left eye is red, I hold him to the hospital for examination, the doctor just tells me, I have to take some anti-inflammatory drugs. So I gave a child on time. But the red is still there. It's a week, I took my child to check. This doctor is very nervous. Check it carefully and check. Finally, tell me, the child's left eye is blind. Moreover, there are other problems. I am shocked! how could be? I strongly press and hold heartbeat, holding my child walking in the hospital, waiting for the results of the inspection. I tell yourself: "It will not happen in worse things. It doesn't matter. Even if the child is really blind, I will love him well." But a doctor will call my lover, when you love people After, my face is pale: "The smells may be eye cancer!" I stayed at it: "Eye cancer? It is impossible!" I must be wrong. "I hugged my child out of the hospital. I do not believe. My child is healthy and lively, even if his eyes have problems, it is impossible to have any cancer! I do not believe! I am going to Beijing to review! ! ! The next day, I took a child to Beijing and the lover. At Tongren Hospital, we hung up an expert clinic. When I was waiting, my stink was still ran to run. Don't stop asking my mother, what is my mother is. I can't believe what kind of eye cancer will be better than such a happy child? ? ! ! But my heart has been hanging in the throat. . . . . . . . The ominous shadow has been shrouded me. The result is finally there. The stink is really a retinal somatic sump. At Tongren Hospital, when the doctor regretted, I was confirmed, I suddenly fell on the ground. I haven't discovered that I have been crying for a long time. My heart shouted: "It is impossible. I can't get it!" I feel that blood was dried, and my heart was smashed. People in the corridor come to people, from time to time, some people have a surprised gaze. The lover let Grandpa take away the child, then pulled out the hospital, we took the hand, the confused, the unresino shuttle in Beijing, noisy people. We don't know where to go, where can I go? ! Tears flowed crazy on my face, I can't suppress my sorrow. I know that there is no one in the sea of people to help my child. I can't. The doctor told me: I have two eyes in this disease when I am walking, and, with the tumor grows and swim, the face is deforming, which will be terrible. Another kind doctor quietly told me: "If you can't give it, you will not be able to stand. We have seen the disease. When you die, we can't bear to see it. It's too cruel!" I am numb Listen. I don't believe that all this is true, he is only three months old. His life has just begun, is it going to end? Is this true? ? ? The doctor told me that odor is now chemotherapy, perhaps 50% of hope, (because he is afraid of blood transfer) but he must take the eye to remove surgery, including the eye, chemotherapy, this half is always he is one year old. The face, but the half face is growing normally. Moreover, even if successful chemotherapy is successful, it can only live to 7. 8 years old. I really want to give him chemotherapy. At the time, I was crazy to catch a doctor's hand: "Give him surgery.
Do surgery! "But I also know that this is too painful for children who are only one year old. If he lives to 7 years old, if he is sensible, his pain is not imagined. Because he can't escape One dead ......... I didn't think that my child would have a disease. Our family and the love people have no history, we are not close relatives. When I am pregnant, I don't even have TV. Dare to see. Why do this ???????? I made the most difficult decisions in our lives at night. I clearly remember that my strong lover did not have blood color when making this decision. The face and sad eyes. I am shouting with me: "No! The doctor said that if there is no surgery, the child will be blind, and finally the eyes will lead to the same thing, and the head must be deformed. What should I do! When the stink is stinking, call me: "Mom, Mom, Where are you?", What should I do? " I will crazy! Do surgery! Regardless of the results, we will not regret it, even if you are in a home, you have to give him a meat! After all, there is a hopes! I can't watch my child to die! "Faced with my hysteria, I love people, my beloved people just hugged me, shouted to me:" Spring, you are awake! " Don't you let the stinky, you can ask you: "Mom. Why can't I live!" Don't you let him use a eye to face this cold fact? Don't you let him have the devastation of the body? Is it necessary to face those curious eyes? "Then he wiped his eyes, self-speaking self:" No, I can't cry, I am a man, I can't cry, I have to calm. " "... (son, forgive your parents) Although it is early summer, that night is very cold, we are sitting in the cold steps, tightly, tight ....... Forgive parents! We are cruel, but it is also helpless! We must make this so much. We would rather let you live a happy life, when you don't understand anything, don't you defeat Walk. Although I know this decision will let me carry a lifetime. On the way home, my weakness is on the lover, tears continue to stop, let me cry, cry, because I return home. I have to face four old people and my children. I am a daughter is a mother. I can't be sad at that time ... The next night, I alone with my smell. Skate your loved ones. I will carry him in a quiet city in the midnight. I have been walking, I will rest, I will buy bottle of water. I don't know where to take him, I don't care. I only know that I want to carry him. Walk. I want to be with him. On the way, I held my stinking and asked him: "Hey, Mom loves you, do you know? "Stinky tells me:" Know. "I have flowed tears tell him:" Smerteration, mother love you, no matter what mother does, you have to know that mom is love you. "Strategy answers me:" "I asked him:" Hey, you still do my son in the future? " "My smell, I haven't said anything. My tears dropped to his face. So, I changed the topic asked him:" Hey, do you love me? "He acknowledged:" Love. "...
During the day, I also hold a trace of fantasy and hope. Perhaps misdiagnosis, perhaps calcification. Maybe this is all dreams. So, I was afraid to observe my child every day, and his left eye was blinded. But I can't see it, I just be red, and I will still have it. But the gradual black eyes became gray. In that year. The first thing I have every morning is to see the child's eyes, I am happy to watch him open your eyes. If he smiles to me, if he crishes my mother. One of my days will be very enjoyable, but when he always wrinkles little brow, closed his eyes to tell me in my arms: "Mom, I am uncomfortable." Flip his little body. Whenever, my heart is tight, I can do it just holding him, holding him tightly. I hope this can reduce his pain. I hope that all his pain is attached to my body. I don't stop telling him: "Sinking, mom is here. Not afraid, mother is here. Mom holds you." Then let him sleep in my tears and singing. " I am heartbreaking, I broke into a piece, and I was crushed into a powder. Whenever I am always painful: Our decision is right? I want to save my child. Even giving him my eyes and life. I asked Heaven: Why! Why do you want my child to endure such a torture? Why not let him die! Why do he endure pain? My heart is grief, but I don't worry about helping children. I held my son, holding this soft little life, this relies on me, I will only call the *** little life, my heart is in the blood. ! I am afraid, I am afraid that I will not get up one day, I am afraid that as he grew up every day, he tells me his feelings. I am really afraid, I teach him a lot of stories and poetry, but I Never teach him 'pain' doesn't teach him 'pain' and related words, so he will only tell me when he is leaving: "Mom, I am uncomfortable." I know, I only know that this is uncomfortable. That is unbearable contains how much can't bear it! My smell is only one year old! (Forgive me for forgiving my selfish mother, my son) is actually, I really want to come, I really regret it, regret! If you know this decision, it is better to give your child chemotherapy as you find it. At least, I do my best. At that time, I lived in the Purgatory in the soul every day. I can only watch my child hurt in my arms, but I have no bigger. And my stinky, my strong child. Don't endure how much pain! Today, the painful snoring of the child still returns in my ear. Such as the fire in the purgatory burns my heart! ! Let me live in this life this life! I still remember that there is a news: a mother pushed the child to the wheels in the case of walking, and then committed suicide. After the news broadcast is a voice that condemns the mother. And I can deeply understand the despair and pain of that mother, because she has prepared death, she can't endure her child's life in this world. The child's eyes change every day, becomes gray, turns red, and turns ash. . . . . I am afraid to look at it in a constant change. I have to kill the stink in more than one imagination. It is better to end the pain to him. I imagined to give him an air needle, eat sleeping pills, put the coal gas, kill him, or a family simply jumping down the floor.
I ride a motorcycle every day on the road that is odor. On the road of the car, I think about once: If any kind driver suddenly hits us, I will hit us. I have to stop at the bus many times to stabilize myself to hit the emotions. Yes, I admit that I am fragile. I can't stand his pain and my despair. My child lived for 958 days, two or five days. When my smell is alive, he is surprisingly clever, surprisingly smart, and his child is as cute, no, even more worse. He will call your mother with a different tone, and call my name. He will express his needs and feelings. He will look at it and will knew. He is very unique and eye-catching. Not just because he stayed with a boy, it is not he has a long scorpion. But he is very lively and polite. He saw no one called. He likes a car, I bought him a small car of nearly 100 sizes. Every day he keeps playing his car. Yes, I love him. I have all my desires to meet his desires. Looking at him seriously in painful time, it is a kind of enjoyment and happiness. (I know that I don't think there are many days) when I get off work, I use a motorcycle to play him to the outskirts, let him know what is cattle, sheep, rabbit, dog, flower, corn, duck, etc. ... ... I hope that I will try my best in his limited life.
Although he often told me: "Mom, my eyes are uncomfortable." And I could only gently lick your eyes, then told him: "He is odor, it's okay, your mother is, you are not uncomfortable. "I will hold him tightly in my arms and gently kiss him. To share his pain.
I often tell him the story. Talking to Fairy Tale, Andersen's Fairy Tale, Telling 365 Night, I give him a "Doll Pictorial", our game is to tell the story together. I told the sentence, he told the sentence. I will talk about: "I used to." He went: "There is a beautiful little girl." I asked: "What is her name?" "She called Xiaohong Hat" ... I also asked him: "Smertish, mother is beautiful He also replied: "Mom is beautiful." I told him: "Then you say mother to close the moon, sneakers." He is always playing with a car in my lover, Repeat one side. Although he doesn't understand what it means. That is a happy time. He likes the train. Every time he sees the train, he shouted his grandfather to teach him: "Train, train, run fast, take the smell of sorrow !!! Smertiliness is not sick !! !!! "And his crisp naive voice is always overwhelming in the rumbling train. (My tears are always slipping silently)
He has a bottle of milk every day. After drinking, I touched my skin with your skin. I stretched my left arm tightly grabbed him. I smell him on the flavor of milk, listening to his uniform breath. I use hand to follow his body, small soft body. And his fine little scorpion. This is my son. (Now, I often wake up in my dreams, my arm still stretched straight, as a smell, sleeping in my side), his favorite is a small test. I hollow empty the body of Koa, put your hands and made a puppet. Whenever he doesn't like to eat or not sleep, the small exam is always eating with him, sleeping together, whenever you advise him to eat, he is always a pleasant promise: "Well, let's eat together , You feed me, small exam. "The little koa is always happy with him.
He likes Dove chocolate, drinks Kraft yogurt, likes to eat jelly. I also like to eat a southern people to use fresh meat. I am very grateful to the southern guy, when I am smelling, I want to eat pie, I took him, the stall has been collected, but the kind person, still rush, give me the smell odor. A cake, let me be satisfied with the last wish. Smelly, I like to listen to songs. The most favorite "Overlifrate" - I stand in hunting wind, I can't hate my heartache, look at the sky, four squares Yun Yong, sword in hand, ask the world who is hero! There are hundreds of red in the world, I love you alone, love you, my heart, your heart, sad and sorrow, life and death, you use tenderness, accompany me, Tian Chong ... Going to obliquely ... The two-year-old smell will sing from the head with the tender voice, while still waving the spoon in his hand. Make the sword. "Overlord Buy", more "cute" songs,
I don't understand why he likes it now. Whether it is God who is forevesting in me. My smell is very like the song of Tushan, when the Tauchi has just out of the second song "China Kung Fu", my stink is already in the distance, and he is weak. But he heard the songs from the window. He still lifted his sake of his skull bag, told me: "Mom looks!" He indicated that he was practicing, and practiced Chinese Kung Fu. (Thank you for gratitude here, thank you for your happiness that may be your smallest and most loyal fans.) In that year, I always don't tirelessly tell stink: "Hek, do you know? Mom is very love Love you. "" Stink of odor: "Know. "I also asked smelly:" Heart is smell, do you love my mother? "He always tells me seriously:" Love you, my mother ... In the days of his disease, I used a lot of remedies to treat him. I bed him to find Qigong master, sent a job, gave him his own urine, gave him the eyes of the temple, went to the temple, (I know that I am ignorant) but everything is useless. Stinking still has surgery. Because the things in his eyes have grown up. It's really highlighted, he can't get angry. Every time I helped him with his eyes, I saw that he should be replaced by a gray thing where he should be a gray, I am shaking. I really collapsed, I grabbed the hand of the lover, grabbed it, can't talk, but my crazy lover in my eyes understand. I know, I have to go anymore, I will crazy. Or, I was already crazy in the eyes of others. The smelly is pushed into the operating room, his little body is lying on a big bed, so thin and poor. I look at the door of the operating room. My life seems to be dried. I prayed to the sky: "Let my smell should not live. Let him die on the operating table." I am really crazy, there is such a prayer word in the world? " But I was thinking, I know that the stinky eyes will be dug. The place where his eyes will be a black hole. I am afraid, I don't know how I should face his pain. Even if he did surgery, he also died, it is better to quietly die in anesthesia. I trembled. The teeth are not trembled, the body is constantly shaking, can't stop. My lover pulled my hand, we sat on the steps of the operating outdoor, stay away from the crowd. Tight holding each other's hand. That is the only place where we can catch ... The surgery is pushed out. I lie on another bed. I am weak, weak from my heart. I support it. I have to get up, I am a mother. I saw his quiet body, little body. I can't lying on the bed. I picked him, he is so light, I hold him, I am afraid that he fly away. He is a big gauze on the left eye. His anesthetic is still playing. He is very quiet. At that moment, I suddenly had an illusion: Is it true when he died? I bite my lips. Don't think ... He is odor, he is crazy to pull the gauze on his face. He hurts. Anesthetic has passed.
He struggled: "Mom, uncomfortable! Mom! Uncomfortable!" Love people grabbed his hand, shouting me: "Spring, hurry, help me catch him! Don't let him put gauze Take it! "I barely stood up. At this moment, the stink was struggling to extend his hand and shouted in the most memorable sentence in my life:" Chunhua! Mom !!!! "The voice is Such a bleak and helpless, it is so shock! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I finally collapsed. I have been fainting in the first time. When I woke up, the stink was stunned, and I have been sleeping. The days in the hospital are there is no memory, I still can't think of it. do not know why. I now only remember the stinky thorn gauze on the white eyes, and he rode his car in the ward hallway and his crisp laughter. The child is always a child. When he didn't hurt, he laughed, he still didn't have a sad concept. I have tried to go back my left eye and want to see the world that can be seen. When I saw it. I feel very sad. Really. He often looks at me with his only right eye trusted, it is a clear and water-like eye. The trust in the eyes of the eyes makes me sad. I am fragile. I have never dared to see the left eye of my child. I am afraid, I am really afraid. Every time I take the child to change the medicine, I always don't dare to go. I hid an ophthalmology corridor. But I still can hear odor and call me: "Mom !!!!!!! Mom !!!!" sound. I hid in the elevator, with the elevator on the upper and lower, I took my own ears, but the smell of odor can still hear it. The helpless shouting mother drove every corner of the hospital. Can't wait. Yes, I can't escape. Always can't escape. Every time, I have the weak stink of the medicine struggling, but I still have the smell of tears but still in the smell of the swallow, pour the stink of me to let me protect. My heart is not using a "pain" word to describe ... I ask Cang Tian: Why is this all! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Heaven speechless. After he finished the operation. The doctor told me that you can live for half a year. I really thought he could live for half a year. But only two months, my stink is gone. Smelly wants to leave, I don't know. I really don't know that he is going to leave my sign. Just a day ago, when he heard the song of the "Chinese Kung Fu", the song sent out of the window, I also reported that I will help him, then raise his thin little foot tell me: "Mom, see China Kung Fu. "Just at noon day, when he saw the car sent by others, he also made me put it on his pillow and pushed it with your hand. Just evening, he wanted to look at the train, I and the lover also took him to the train station. He also shouted to the train: "Train, the train runs quickly, the train will take the stink of odor The smell is not sick! "... Now, he doesn't eat it. Quiet lying in my arms. Powder is like a feathers. His little brow is covered. I held him and could only hug him tight. And stink is only let me hold. He kept twisting in my arms. Will not yell: "Mom, uncomfortable. Mom, uncomfortable.
"I hold him, I can only hold him tight ... Who can save my child !!!!!!!! Who can save my child !!!!!!!! I put The stink is sent to the hospital. In the ward. I love people to take something in hospital. I hold my child. Hold the child who is about to leave my. I cried ... There is no talented voice. I am tears in me. The face is crazy. I ask odor: "Why, why do you want to leave me, I am your mother, but why can't I save you! "Yes. Sorrow is not a child, I do *** can't save children, I can only look at him to leave me. But there is no way. In the empty ward. I helpless crying in echo Hardcore! If the tears can call my stinky, I would rather let my tears into the sea! If I use my life, I can save me a child, I am willing to die 10,000 times! My child, my Odor. Only he can listen to my call. But he has been coma ... Smelly is embarrassing. I am leaving. I am really gone. I am always going! I will always remember that day: 19 On October 9, 199. My soul is always taken away. But I still thank God. When he walked, he did not change like a doctor. His appearance did not change. Although his face is slightly deformed However, he still saw me when he left. His right eye did not blind. He can still use his little hand to grab my hand tight. He still knows his mother in his side. Forever ! I chose to give him cremation, the old man told me that children who died in the past were best buried. I resolutely disagree, the smell of odor has been torture, I can't tolerate his little body Iphanly sleep in the cold dirt. I can't imagine his body's influenza. I am afraid that he is cold, afraid that he is lonely. I am afraid that he wakes up and cry, looking for a mother. I don't want him to continue to erode. His body. I want him to become a light smoke, with the wind. I want him to clean and clean. But I didn't go when I went to the cremation. I didn't dare to go. I can't face me. Dead children. (Forgive me, son) I am afraid that I can't control myself. My lover and my colleague are smelling. When I came back, I looked at my love silently cry. My lover, I am strong Husband. He didn't cry at the child. But at this moment, he hit it in bed, and he also grabbed his chest, torn clothes. It is only crying. He just tell me: "Spring , I hurt! I am distressed! "I hugged his head, he was weak like a baby. He muttered told me:" I saw the smell of smelling, that moment, I really want to jump into the furnace. "I hold my lover, tears continue to stop. I can only tell him:" You are so stupid, how can you see it? "Love people told me:" I put the smelly bottle in his side, and his small test was accompanied by him. When I came out of the refrigerator, he likes it like sleeping, I have a personal face. I always feel that he can open his eyes and call his father. I took the gauze on his face, I don't want him to take the hateful gauze when I took the tire! ... "My tears drops on the face of the lover, I feel distressed, distressed my lover. This strong man. The first time reveals his fragile, his love for the child is also the same. He has been It is supported by me. I can escape at some time, but he can't. I can't. I can see it, he can't. He can only face it, you can only choose strong. Because he is a man. True The real man is sometimes very tired. I remember there is a word: the man also needs care.
Yes, when the child is sick. I put all the efforts on the child. Ignore the concern of the lover. In the next day, his colleague told me: "He always live there when you go to work, or a person turned to turn, like crazy." My lover, let me feel distressed, you don't say , You don't say anything, you are just silently to bear all this ...
